To Negotiate with Heaven

Jayden Raiko

to negotiate with heaven
if you manage to escape, please come find me

PROLOGUE
Tokyo, May 2009

“I hope this message gets through to you, dear. If you manage to escape, please come find me.”

I felt as if someone had poured a full bucket of ice water on my head. A dense fog descended in my thoughts and suddenly everything seemed to be in slow motion: the sound of my father’s fingers drumming on the wheel, the rain tapping on the car roof, the windshield wipers sweeping back and forth like a metronome and I got goose bumps all over. My ears were rustling. The only thing that seemed real, were the words that resonated in my head like an echo.

Please come find me.

I turned the radio off with tingling fingers and stared out the window, at the tears of rain that slowly dangled across the glass. I swallowed my own tears while I tried to restrain a wave of emotions and took a bite of my quarter pounder. It tasted like cardboard.

My father stretched his hand towards the radio and turned it back on without saying a word. The interview was over and a sweet, pop-like melody filled the car, making me sick. Nevertheless, it was better than hearing familiar voices. I took a sip of my Coke and thoughtfully chewed on the straw, with a hollow feeling in the place where my heart was supposed to be.

Please come find me. I had no idea how.

My father and I silently sat next to each other, him humming along with the music, me trying to conceal my sudden confusion. I counted the lampposts flashing over our heads while pushing back my tears, not grasping the unreality of the situation. Helicopter Heartbeats was in Japan. Nathan was in Japan. And he was looking for me.

In a dark corner of my consciousness I had built a little wall behind which I hid everything I wanted to forget, all those years I tried to avoid my memories, hidden behind hundreds of unbreakable bricks, and suddenly I felt as if someone broke it down just a little.

I took another sip of my Coke and crawled a little deeper in the collar of my hoodie while I fought against the rising emotions. I didn’t want my dad to notice. I kept looking straight out the window and tried to hide from the memories that slowly forced themselves on me and formed visions in front of my teary eyes.

How much time had passed for god’s sake? 18 Months? Two years? Two and a half? I had no idea. That minor fact was one of thousand things that I hid at the attic of my memories, along with everything else that had to be forgotten, behind the wall of hundreds of unbreakable bricks, which, at that time, I was desperately trying to keep up because I was afraid I would drown in the wave of memories the second it would break down.

One thing I did know, was that this had to be a sign. There was no other explanation.

*

“Do you want anymore fries?” my dad asked all of a sudden, with a thick accent, pointing at the bag of sloppy french-fries between us. He had to have seen the tears in my eyes when I woke up from my thoughts and looked at him, but he didn’t ask anything. Said nothing. Knew nothing.

“No, thanks, you can take them,” I answered with a watery smile, trying to make my voice sound as stable as I could. “I’m not feeling very well.”

I didn’t even lie.

My father didn’t answer. He continually focused his eyes on the road and drove through the puddles of light that the lampposts threw in front of us. Judging by the buildings I saw flying past our window, we were almost home. Although – home may not be the right word.

When I picked up my Coke again, I noticed that the ice cubes were bouncing against the walls because my hands were shaking. I thought about the voice I just heard whispering through the radio and with that I saw brown spots on a pale skin, a loud laugh in the deepest of the night and light blue eyes holding a promise. The emptiness in my chest burned and something warm dripped along my cheeks.

I had counted 76 lampposts when my father turned onto the driveway. When he turned off the engine, the radio shut up and only the sound of pouring rain remained, like white noise. I liked it, a silence where no room for thoughts existed.

My father got out of the car while I put the empty food wrappers in the still half full bag of french-fries. I watched him go, searching his pockets for his keys, opening the lock and leaving the door open so I could follow him. I was scared to go in – and at the same time the only thing I wanted to do was go and look for Nathan. Please come find me. It’s not that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find him, I was just scared of the things I’d encounter.

Eventually I opened the car door and stepped outside with a big sigh. The rain splashed on my face while I walked to the open door, the white pebbles crunched beneath my feet. I pulled my hood over my hair and rushed inside.

The messy noises that sounded from the kitchen became audible when I locked the rain out with the click of the lock. After I put my coat away, I went to investigate and found my father severely struggling with the water boiler. I laughed to myself about his clumsiness and put the bag of french-fries in the trash. When I turned around to the counter top, I saw my dad had almost defeated the water boiler.

“Dad, I’m going upstairs,” I said while I shuffled my feet, “If I go to bed early, I might feel better tomorrow.”

“Okay,” he answered. “Don’t you want tea?”

He pointed at the red light on the water boiler, which had finally lit up, and looked so proud that I didn’t have the heart to say no. I nodded and smiled before I sat down on the counter top, my ankles crossed and my eyes pointed at the floor.

We were silent while my dad got cups from the cupboard; the only thing that broke the silence, were the tears of rain that softly tapped behind the blinds hanging in front of the window. I thought about Nathan and if he was listening to the storm as well.

“Which smell do you want?” my dad asked, his voice softer than the tapping on the window.

“I’ll take vanilla,” I answered, knowing he meant ‘flavour’.

When the kitchen was filled with steam and the water boiler put itself on non-active with a sudden click, my dad filled the two cups and gave one of them to me. Even before I could reach for the spoons, he already presented me a teaspoon; of course he knew I couldn’t drink my tea without a spoon.

“Arigatou,” I gratefully smiled, after which I jumped off the countertop. “Goodnight.”

“Sleep tight,” he answered.

*

When I got upstairs, surrounded by the silence of my bedroom, I tried to put together where I should start my shirt. My head twirled with thoughts. That I had to go to the concert hall, regardless if I could get a ticket or not, was certain – but what had to happen next, was one big mystery. It wasn’t as if Nathan would recognize me in a crowd of ten thousand men.

I turned on the computer and decided to start at the beginning. What would happen when I got there, I’d deal with it later; if fate wanted us to be together again, I had to trust my own intuition to take me to the right place at the right time.

I started my search for tickets and even though I had armed myself against the things I might encounter, it didn’t take long before my heart stumbled: at the top of each webpage I saw, was a huge picture of Helicopter Heartbeats, including forged poses and empty faces and I don’t know what hurt more: the fact that the masses created this or the fact that I still found them as beautiful as I did before.

I stared at the picture for a while and wondered about how big they got, both literally and figuratively speaking. Kyle was positioned at the right; calm, solid, his arms crossed; the twins were in the center, radiating a casual energy, an explosion of bright colours and movement; and Nathan stood to their left, with a smile and his freckles spread out over his face. I can’t describe how much it hurt to look at him.

I averted my eyes and looked at my tea, stirred twirls in the brown water. I thought about Lilly and Julia and the countless afternoons we spent with the guys, sitting in the sun, hiding from the rain, surrounded by music or laughter or love – I thought about Nathans scent and the feeling of his skin against mine, about his red hair and about Julia’s, about Lilly’s wise words and about how her personality would completely turn around when you pushed a guitar in her hands – I thought about the day I met Nathan for the first time, about Jasper and Jim who could create a party out of every moment, about how they could denigrate every philosophical discussion between Kyle and Lilly and I thought about the day when everything was shattered.

I felt like my sorrow was tearing me apart.

I turned off the computer and finished my now cold tea, after which I got up and fell on my bed. The wall in my consciousness leaked visions that started to twirl in my mind and without thinking I kicked down the bricks, one by one, my heart protected by a shield of which I knew it wasn’t strong enough and when enough bricks were gone, the wave of memories submerged and soaked and drowned me, shattered my armour and I couldn’t fight it any longer.

I could see Julia laugh, felt her rainbow coloured aura, heard her voice and saw her crimson her dance in the light on the day it all began.

I heard Lilly’s voice comforting me on the worst days of my life, felt her arms around me and her hand in mine, felt how she softly squeezed it to let me know she was there.

I could feel Nathan, everywhere around me; his warm skin on mine, his calm breath in my neck and his fingers in my hair when he held me. I heard his voice whisper in my ear and felt his lips on my mouth, smelled the scent of wood that rested between the innumerable spots on his body.

I smelled the familiar scent of my mother and I broke down.

And I cried, without a sound, the entire night.

*

The night of the concert I still didn’t have a plan, but nevertheless, at 7.30 pm I was on the subway going towards Shibuya. I installed myself in one of the uncomfortable plastic seats and tried to read a magazine to distract my thoughts, which resulted in me seeing Nathan in everybody. I was cold, in spite of the sweater I wrapped around my shoulders and my hands slightly trembled.

My heart was throbbing. I was scared to death that I wouldn’t be able to sneak into the concert hall; that the building wouldn’t have any flaws or that security would try to stop my attempt to escape and that my only chance to see daylight again would pass me by. I was afraid that as soon as I walked onto TBS square, everything proved to be a dream; that there was no line with screaming fans and nobody in Japan had ever heard of Helicopter Heartbeats. I was afraid I would scream my lungs out trying to make myself recognizable, but I would drown in the crowd and Nathan would return to the Netherlands without knowing I had actually found him.

I was scared of everything that could go wrong, but didn’t let it destroy me. Every fibre of my being yearned for Nathan and I would tear everything that separated me from him down to the ground once I got close to him. My head was spinning. My heart was burning.

Three girls got in at Suehirocho station: every one of them was wearing a short skirt, had bleached blonde hair, had legs trapped in fishnet stockings and had darkened their eyes. They giggled loudly and interrupted my dreaming. When the subway started to move again, they wobbled on their high heels and had to grab each other in order to keep standing straight. I averted my eyes.

Every yard we gained towards our destination, my hands started to shake increasingly; my lungs felt like stones and my stomach was turning. I was riding an emotional rollercoaster at that moment. Taking deep breaths, I stared into the darkness rolling past my window, at my reflection in the mirroring glass, seeing station after station appear out of the dark.

I put the magazine on the seat beside me and looked at my watch. The hall would open at 8.30, still 30 minutes to go. With an internal sigh I let my eyes wander at the glassy mirror, behind which one graffiti art flashed by after the next. I shattered every negative thought that entered my mind. Yes, Nathan could be mad at me; he could loath me; he could burst my bubble of hope and dreams like a helium balloon, but if that was the case, that was the case. At least I would have tried and I could accept it.

Because I shouldn’t run from my destiny. If there was one thing I learned these past months, that was it.

*

The sneering sound of a cell phone claimed the entire space. I looked away from the window and saw one of the bleached haired girl digging through her red purse, without stopping the conversation with her friends. She answered with an excessive ‘moshi moshi!’ and loudly started to babble in Japanese I couldn’t understand.

I just decided to let my thoughts wander again when I could filter the words ‘Helicopter Heartbeats’, although with a thick accent, out of her babbling. I scanned their conversation for more recognizable words, but rest of the conversation was filled with unfamiliar sounds. Nathans face materialised in my mind and no matter how much I blinked, he wouldn’t disappear, not even when I drowned him in the salty water that welled up in my eyes.

This was no dream. I wasn’t the only one who got on the subway that night, hoping for a night that would turn my life completely upside down and inside out. It was all real.

When we rolled into the Akasaka-Mitsuke station, I jumped up and pushed myself past the other passengers. The three girls also stumbled out of the subway, laughing loud and brushing their hair from their faces, while trying to not fall down. With a heavy feeling I followed them exiting the station, outside, where the sky slowly started to turn pink and orange.

Once I got where I needed to be, I realised I didn’t have to be afraid of being the only one looking for Helicopter Heartbeats – and at the same time I noticed how my fear was taking me over. The square in front of the Akasaka Blitz was filled with people as far as the eye could see, and there was noise everywhere. I heard fans screaming, shouting, yelling slogans and singing exuberantly and I felt incredibly lost. I felt like I was floating in the ocean and saw nothing but the horizon surrounding me; I didn’t know where to go, where to start; I felt so far away and yet so close.

Please come find me.

Nathans voice echoed in the cavity of my heart and set it on fire; I felt a shiver running down my spine. I pulled my sweater over my shoulders, my hoodie over my hair and took a deep breath before I threw myself in the crowd.

While I walked passed the crowd control barriers, I tried to come up with a plan. Trying to get a ticket now was out of the question: the mass was too enormous. No matter how much Nathan wanted it, his eyes, hidden behind the shaded windows of his sunglasses, wouldn’t find me in this sea of people, even if I’d dye my hair yellow. I felt a sting in my heart and thought about that time we saw the sun sink from his rooftop and the sky was coloured just as sweet and sour as it was now. My lips tingled.

I was enclosed by walls of sound and memories, but I broke loose and kept walking. My watch told me it was almost 8.30 pm.

*

A few minutes later I was at the back of the building, astonished by the high fencing behind which I saw a little door, hidden within the long shadows created by the setting sun. My heart was pounding. I could continue to deny I was scared, but when I was standing there, facing the only remaining literal barrier between Nathan and me, it just wasn’t possible anymore. I was drenched in fear. There was so much that could shatter my dreams; if Nathan was mad at me for keeping dead all that time, I couldn’t blame him. I should have gone back as soon as my age had released me.
Please come find me.

I deeply inhaled, straightened my shoulders and looked up at the iron obstacle again, with the echo of Nathans voice resonating in the back of my head. I closed my eyes to shield them from the orange sunlight and saw his smiling face in front of me – his ever smiling face with that sparkle in his restless eyes and I decided that if I wanted to live – really wanted to live, including breathing and having a pulse and everything that’s a part of it, I should learn to face my destiny. I shouldn’t keep running from it, no matter how scary it was having to embrace the light after such a long period of darkness.

But I didn’t want to be dead anymore. I wanted to feel my blood rushing through my veins and seeing life shimmer beneath my skin, and that was only possible if I was with him.

I hooked my fingers into the fence and shoved the tips of my shoes through the diamond shaped holes before submitting myself to a battle against gravity. The iron wires cut my fingers while I was climbing and the muscles in my calves were burning, but I didn’t care. I kept my eyes closed and focused on that one moment in my life: Nathan and I on the roof beneath the cotton candy sky, looking each other in the eye while we realised in a flash between two heartbeats, that we couldn’t exist without each other. God could flood me with whatever he wanted. I would have climbed to the sky if that’s what it would have taken.

With a small thud I landed on the other side of the fence, small clouds of dust rising around my feet. I stayed down for a moment and listened carefully – the adrenaline was racing through my veins and my heart was beating loudly in my ears, but it seems like nobody had taken notice of me. As soon as the sound of the shaking iron died, the deadly silence returned.

Still alert, I sneaked towards the door, where I hid between the shadows. I pushed my back against the wall and swallowed the tension that had piled up in my throat – I felt as if I was going to be crushed. My lungs felt twisted and my breathing sounded heavy in the quivering silence. I hastily looked at my watch: 08.45 pm. I didn’t have much time left.

Nervously I looked around and even though I was sure the entry would be locked, I reached for the handle, my fingertips stretching towards the cold metal. When I pushed the latch down, the opposite seemed to be true: the door gave in without resistance, without clicking or cracking; nothing like that.

In a reflex I pulled my hand back, as if I had burned it. This isn’t right, a voice on my shoulder whispered, it’s too easy – and on the other hand I wondered if this couldn’t just be another sign. I laid my head in my neck and stared at the sky that was slowly turning purple, waiting for a sign, but the clouds kept floating quietly and there wasn’t the slightest sign of thunder.

Are you on my side now?

I stepped over the threshold and closed the door with a soft click.

*

The building was huge on the inside and had poorly lit hallways. I blinked, tried to see where I was and which way I should be going, but my sense of direction failed me. I started to walk through the darkness, searching with my feet, not noticing the soft reflection of my footsteps against the walls.

The silence around me was so intense it felt like the air was filled with electricity. I split through the tension with my body, my heart pounding even louder than my feet. I walked past anonymous doors and past stairs I didn’t dare to climb because I was scared they would creak. With every sound I heard, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, but every time it turned out to be the wind wandering through the hallways.

I sneaked around like that for a few minutes, invisible and silent, the knot in my stomach got bigger as time passed. At every corner I stopped for a second and held my breath to listen if I was still on my own. I lost myself in the silence and dwelled in my thoughts. I thought about the golden scent of his hair and the relief of his body when it slid underneath my fingers. His pale eyes appeared in my mind.

My trail of thoughts was rudely disturbed by the sound of dark voices and suddenly I was face to face with two men who both were at least three times as wide as me. Security. I didn’t hear them coming.

No, I said to myself, no. Not when I’m this close.

My intuition ordered me to run, but I knew that was impossible: I had no idea where I could hide and was sure that those two men were faster that me. Thus I stayed there, nailed to the ground while my thoughts drifted away to a moment that seemed years ago: an abandoned alley bathing in the light of a new moon. A
whim of goosebumps rushed past my skin. The guards looked like they saw water burn.

“Let me get this straight,” I hesitated, before they could fire questions at me. “I’m not what I appear to be.”

They looked at each other as if I was insane.

“Then what do you appear to be?” one of them said.

I shivered when I saw their darkened stares. Their attitude was threatening; every muscle in my body was tightened, ready to get into action when needed. My palms were sweaty.

“A hysterical fan trying to sneak her way into a venue because she’s so desperate for one night with her idols,” I quietly answered, with an unheard quivering in my voice. I was terrified.

“And what is it that you are?”

I had no idea what to answer. They wouldn’t understand the truth, but I had no idea what else I could tell them. One thing I did know: I had to get to Nathan and I wouldn’t let myself be stopped by two gigantic guys who didn’t know anything about all the shit I went through to get to that point. I wouldn’t let myself be stopped by anyone.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I said, shaking my head in incapacity. “But I need to see Nathan.”

When one of the guards rolled his eyes with boredom, I felt how the hands of panic clamped around my throat: my ears started to ring and a blur of tears made me blind to all the colours of the world. My heart pounded in my throat and made it hard to breathe.

“Yeah missy, you’re not the only one out there,” one of them answered. “Let’s get you out of here.”

*

I backed up when he reached for me with one of his big hands, but couldn’t stop him from capturing me. In a flashback I smelled a cloud of alcohol and saw two pale eyes dangerously flickering in the light of an Amsterdam lamppost.

The tension in my head snapped when they grabbed both my arms and forced me towards the exit; I completely freaked out. I kicked with my legs and slapped with my arms and screamed my lungs inside out – I yelled that they had to let me go; that they had to listen to me and that they didn’t understand, but they acted as if I was invisible and after a few minutes, the only thing I was screaming was Nathans name, until everything turned into stuttering and stammering; my voice broken, my lungs burning and my cheeks stinging.

I cursed God. I cursed him for the trap he put up, for the ongoing desire and the pain and the false hope and all the injustice in my world and I had the feeling that suddenly everything seemed to break down – until something happened that picked up the pieces of my broken dream and that could only be the work of God. An Angel walked by.

David. I never thought I’d ever be so happy to see him.

Are you on my side now?

I yelled his name as if he was the last thing that could save me; he looked up as he was walking and stood still when he recognized my face, with an expression of total bewilderment on his face. My name silently fell from his lips.

“Get your hands off of her!” he screamed at the two guys while he was rushing towards us, shooting flames from his dark eyes. The adrenaline disappeared and made room for a relief that made my heart swell up and made me float above everything. The blur in front of my eyes dissolved and made me see the truth. I had never before found the truth to be so beautiful.

David pushed the strong hands off of me and pulled me away from the guards, his hand clasped around my wrist. I felt like I was being transferred from one imprisonment to another, with the only difference being the nature of the sentence. I was given a new chance.

When we disappeared around the corner, David put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes, shaking his head, trying to grasp the situation.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked me in a whisper. His look was one of complete confusion. “I mean – Jesus, Maren, how did you get in here? The Blitz has better security than fucking Alcatraz.”

I didn’t have an answer ready.

“Nathan,” I just said. He was my answer to everything. “Where is Nathan?”

I blinked to get the last tears out of my eyes and wiped my cheeks dry, my breathing shaking because of the last panic in my body. David kept shaking his head, flabbergasted with my sudden appearance.

“Yes, Nathan,” he vaguely stammered. “Jesus – Come. He won’t believe this.”

He put an uncomfortable arm around me and steered me deeper into the building, on the road to a new life.